Ang Hirap Talaga Mag-Isip ng Title.

December 26, 2023

Christmas 2023

December 26, 2023, 9:22 AM PH Time

December 25, 2023, 5:22 PM Pacific Time

This is the setup I dread - being a remote observer of an activity happening on a different place. They do their Christmas party games and eat their food while I slouch in front of my laptop and eat my own spaghetti and toasted bread. I can hear them all, thanks to microphones, but I know only Mom or Dad hears me and sees me - whoever is holding the phone.

At least I get to join in Bingo - I shade my virtual card in my phone as Tito Dem calls out the numbers. I want to raise my hand and answer in Charades, but I quickly think of the hardware limitations - my voice only comes out through the phone speakers; it's not loud enough to steal the point, unless Dad echoes my answer (I'm in the same group as Dad, so yes, teamwork).

My heart breaks that the best thing we can do to let me in on the family party is through a phone and a screen. I can't touch them, hug them, do high fives with my cousins...I want to be 7,000 miles away from where I am now, sit in any of the couches in that same living room with Mom and Dad, Tito and Tita, cousins. I want to include myself in the boat as is sinks, or so the game master says. The physical barrier just...i just can't.

In the midst of this...I look unto Jesus and He grants me the will to give thanks. I am grateful that there's a big family out there thinking about me, who remembers Kuya and me on Christmas Day, who wants to include us in special moments in whatever way possible. It's just crazy that they want me to join the games. In some games the setup works, in some games not. I know for lots of years now they've been praying that Kuya and I get to spend Christmas with them in the US soon, and even if it's not yet this year (Lord I humbly ask, please grant this prayer of ours according to Your good and perfect will...), I thank God just for this simple truth that people are praying for us. And it already means a lot to me.

Life consists of the physical, but its entirety cannot be contained in just the physical. There are thoughts, memories, emotions, souls that God allows to meet with each other, to happen, to share existence with. And that makes life meaningful - Jesus is the Artist, and people are the different pens He uses to draw something out of the blank canvas that is me.

I guess this is me just feeling things, just amplifying things. I mean I didn't cry. But I... Maybe I just wanted to make sense of my thoughts so I wrote them down because this one I didn't want to throw in the backburner, where most of them go.

View Full Post

April 7, 2023

On Being Single by 30 and Beyond

Just attended a wedding today. Ang daming nagsabi na, "ikaw na next". Alam kong alam nilang wala naman akong girlfriend ngayon. Siguro yung ibang mga mas bata sakin ay nahihiya sa akin na nauna silang nagpakasal kaysa sa akin. That's a self-centered thought though. Maybe they're just genuinely hopeful to hear a good story of love that will come from me.

Singleness seems to be treated as a disorder, an abnormality, since the usual order of life is this: enjoy childhood at school, graduate, find a job, have a partner, get married and start a family, have kids, raise them up, then the kids face their own version of the "normal" order of life events, while the adults fade into the background in supporting their kids and then eventually die. Singles in their 30s look like they're disrupting this order. "They shouldn't be single anymore by that age."

Ang natutunan ko in reading the Bible and in observing life itself is, there are two paths to this - singleness and being with a life partner. Now, singleness is so frowned upon that it seems to be not considered as a normal path. Or should i say, society does not consider two normal paths, just one. Singleness is not a normal path.

Which makes people "concerned" for single people. This concern does not help me at all, at least for me. It is a mirror that shows me that i am straying away from the norm.

I have to clarify that my singleness is not a desired singleness; I desire to have my own family, and I lay it down at the feet of Jesus and trade it for His perfect will in my life. Right now I spend time to really know His will as i take careful steps forward one by one. There are certain reasons why I cannot pursue having a relationship right now:

1. I have a lot of things to do - get enough sleep, do house chores (wag maliitin mahirap din ito gawin), work for a living, serve God through ministry (on weekends via Music and on weekdays via Prayer Groups), exercise, spend time with God in Word and prayer. I do not know if i can/should even let go of any of these things right now. Ito pa nga lang mga bagay na ito di ko na magawa lahat consistently, paano pa yung oras mag-girlfriend.

2. I do not desire a Long Distance type of Relationship. Our family's desire and plan is for Kuya and I to be able to fly to the US to live with our parents there. Having a girlfriend who does not have USA as her target destination will only cause us to hurt each other because we will not be able to work on our relationship with these differing goals.

Now this does not entirely kill the idea that I can still have a girlfriend who also desires to move to the US permanently. We know that is not an impossible thing. But I do not hold on to this strongly to push me to look for a person like that. I surely must ask this question on every woman I will date.

3. I do not have enough financial capability to enter into a relationship. I believe that eventually, the man will provide for the family. Right now I struggle to buy a laptop worth 50k; I've bee saving for this for a year now and I still couldn't reach my target savings to buy one. Plus the addition of owning a car, which entails regular gas and toll expenses as well as regular maintenance. Bigat din sa bulsa. Lately I gained additional clients which resulted to additional income. I'm grateful to the Lord for providing for my expanding financial needs. And right now what God has been providing for me financially is not enough for me for shelling out additional cash for dates and whatnot for my would-be partner.

4. I have a lot of things going on in my mind right now. I am occupied with many things about my family, my finances, my spiritual life, my prayer partners (who I lend my ears for listening to their struggles), my health, and how to clean the house. I could not bear additional baggage in my mind and heart right now. Fully loaded na.

I just wish that people would not let me know that they've set high hopes on me having my own relationship, so I wouldn't be pressured to go find a partner just because I'm expected to do so. They can ask me about it - I'm so willing to answer and let them know my thoughts. I wish people knew and understood these reasons so that they would instead show me grace and maybe lend me a hand with my current burdens. I wish they would not treat me indifferently because of my civil status. I feel so estranged from everyone when they do this, and I feel that there's no one who understands my situation, well not just my situation, but the situation of every single person above 30.

View Full Post

March 7, 2019

I'm sober.

Last Sunday, someone asked me, "Are you happy?"
"I'm sober," I said.

The whole album Siberia (Acoustic) by Lights plays in my headphones as I type. I need music to accompany me through this.

The thought that I drank two glasses of Sprite after dinner makes me think that I'm only happy because I'm in a sugar rush.

Ah, sobriety. I've been in this state of mind for months now. Not really happy, not totally sad. It makes me ruminate on every little thought that pops in. I crave for deep talks lately, and at the same time I despise these moments as they may break me again. I'm currently emotionally fragile; I tend to defend myself with words for every thought that threaten to tell me that I'm doing things wrong. Yes, the may have good intentions in telling me such things. It's just that I'm afraid to fall down again and repeat the whole process again. I know I'm really weak today, and I don't know how to survive another devastation if ever it comes again in the days to come, even in its subtle and seemingly insignificant forms.

All I have is my Bible right now. I think I succeeded spending time with the Lord first thing as I wake up for 21 times, as it has become a habit of mine, regardless of what time I wake up. Every morning, I run my fingers onto the pages, looking for a promise, a comforting word that my troubled soul can consume. And then I spend time praying it. God has always been there everytime. His Word was always available to remind me that His love for me is steadfast - bound by a covenant, cannot be broken, and is always fulfilled. Always full of power. Always available on every single day that I drag my body to get up from bed. See, I even have trouble getting up. Praise God for each new day He gives me because of His grace, and I need to remind myself of this, that everytime I wake up, God had already declared His love for me today.

How long will I be sober? It seems like a rhetorical question. Maybe it doesn't matter how long. As long as the Lord is carrying me through, then I shall be grateful for every passing day.