I'm sober.

Last Sunday, someone asked me, "Are you happy?"
"I'm sober," I said.

The whole album Siberia (Acoustic) by Lights plays in my headphones as I type. I need music to accompany me through this.

The thought that I drank two glasses of Sprite after dinner makes me think that I'm only happy because I'm in a sugar rush.

Ah, sobriety. I've been in this state of mind for months now. Not really happy, not totally sad. It makes me ruminate on every little thought that pops in. I crave for deep talks lately, and at the same time I despise these moments as they may break me again. I'm currently emotionally fragile; I tend to defend myself with words for every thought that threaten to tell me that I'm doing things wrong. Yes, the may have good intentions in telling me such things. It's just that I'm afraid to fall down again and repeat the whole process again. I know I'm really weak today, and I don't know how to survive another devastation if ever it comes again in the days to come, even in its subtle and seemingly insignificant forms.

All I have is my Bible right now. I think I succeeded spending time with the Lord first thing as I wake up for 21 times, as it has become a habit of mine, regardless of what time I wake up. Every morning, I run my fingers onto the pages, looking for a promise, a comforting word that my troubled soul can consume. And then I spend time praying it. God has always been there everytime. His Word was always available to remind me that His love for me is steadfast - bound by a covenant, cannot be broken, and is always fulfilled. Always full of power. Always available on every single day that I drag my body to get up from bed. See, I even have trouble getting up. Praise God for each new day He gives me because of His grace, and I need to remind myself of this, that everytime I wake up, God had already declared His love for me today.

How long will I be sober? It seems like a rhetorical question. Maybe it doesn't matter how long. As long as the Lord is carrying me through, then I shall be grateful for every passing day.

x